#3 15 August 2010

Rescue Me
I don’t watch many TV series, but am enjoying the current season of Rescue Me. I didn’t watch it when it first came out but have been enjoying the past few seasons. Maybe it gets a bit repetitive at times, but Dennis Leary and the rest of the cast are awesome. One of the show’s many recurring themes is the Curse of the Gavins. It’s a tight-knit Irish-American family, but with more drinking, fighting and fucking then most. The Gavins hate each other fiercely to the point of murder, or attempted murder. Yet they are bound to each other and would die for each other given the chance.

In an episode this year, Tommy is discussing their daughter’s drinking with Jan, and he criticizes her parenting, suggesting that it’s the reason Colleen has joined the family wagon. Jan throws Tommy’s mother’s drinking and emotional coldness back in his face. Tommy then defends his mother, saying she did as well as she could with his father’s drinking and sleeping around. Which backfires as Tommy realizes that he has in fact become his father in all of those aspects.

My wife and I attended a wedding early in August of a relative of hers, which got me thinking about the lasting influence our families have to play on us. Any wedding has some Good, Bad and Ugly mixed in, but this one was had more of the latter two then I’ve ever seen. The reception would have made the Gavin family proud, with lot of drinking, fighting (family members and the new bride and groom) and fucking (with one of the bride’s maids getting it on in the men’s room and another hitting on the bride’s married brother). Family gatherings can also stir up memories and feelings from other times and there certainly was a lot of that.

Sometimes it seems we’re all cursed like the Gavin family to perpetuate our problems. It’s not too much of a surprise, as children learn what they live. It almost seems like these family traits are embedded in our DNA and we struggle with a genetic and epigenetic seeds that make us perpetuate our families bad traits and misfortunes.

Of course, these traits that we learn and inherit are just tendencies that can be re-shaped and overcome. The other “kids” in my wife’s family are doing quite well, in spite of what they experienced in their formative years. They’ve all scattered since coming of age and that was probably the right thing to do, for them.

I’m writing this to observe and not judge, is my hope. I come from a boring, WASPy family that hides emotion and specializes in the art of Passive Aggression. Much more boring traits for sure, but certainly handicaps when it comes to forming my relationships with others! In many ways, I feel like I’ve had to learn a lot of the very basics since becoming an adult — and that learning is still certainly continuing as I learn to live with other people and their families.

One of my favorite quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh, “What we do not transform, we transmit”. The good news is that there is much that we can transform in our daily lives and the family samsara.

Not much is new otherwise. Still working on moderating eating and drinking and have been keeping about the same. August is sill Summertime and I’m enjoying that too. September will start a new season – and a time to be more mindful of a number of things. Till then I’m going to take some time to enjoy warmth and longer days.

#2 31 July 2010

Homeowner Dues and Blues

Made it through the second pay day, and the first month, since independence day!

The main financial event since last post was paying off son #3′s tuition bill for the first semester. That was actually borrowed but with pretty good terms, so I can work on making a dent in more egregious debt, I hope. (Seems like I don’t ever get out of debt, just shift it around from one form to another). Also got a start on some of the back to school expenses, which can really add up.

The end of the month pay check is when I pay the mortgages for the following month. Getting re-married at 40-something was fine, but buying a house afterwords was probably not a great idea — from a financial perspective at least. It’s a very nice contemporary house, a good location and a good-sized rural property, but paying in the 300s for a home in this phase of life has definitely been a big factor in the financial stresses of these past few years.

I thought I had understood that the mortgage would be split more or less between us. But I’ve been paying the primary bill and small secondary bill for most of the time. When I still had alimony and CS to pay, my first paycheck would go almost entirely to the installment debt for the house. So if something unexpected came up, I would have to put off the mortgage payment off till the middle of the month. Which I could do with the bank I have – they actually don’t charge a late fee till after the 15th so I can, for a fee, make a scheduled payment right on my mid-month payday. And I’ve taken advantage of that quite a few times.

But once you put that payment off to the middle of the month, then you’re really in trouble the next time something unexpected comes up. And it always does! This is where I started to juggle other payments, tap into any other assets I used to have available, and start to pile up the revolving debt.

Again, I don’t regret getting the house – it’s very nice to be able to do what we want to the home and the yard. We don’t have the condo rules and fees to worry about and the mis-management of the condo association. But it just hasn’t made a whole lot of sense from a financial perspective.

You have to wonder if home ownership makes sense at all these days for anyone, with the state of the housing market and the economy. The idea of having a 30 year home loan assumes a long term safety and stability that doesn’t seem to exist any more. If you can’t count on keeping a job for more then 3-5 years, then why take on a long term debt where you pay mainly interest for the first 5 years? Then if you have house in a depressed area, how can you try to move to find a better situation when every other homeowner is also in trouble? Of course, this has turned into a nightmare for many, many thousands of people, and I really can’t complain at all about my own messes I’ve made.

A 30 year mortgage assumes a stability in long-term relationships that is certainly less common these days too! I can think of several couples I’ve known that have moved to a larger home, or made major renovations to an existing home and then broke up soon after that. I guess it’s a case of wanting to make a major life-change to try improve things, only to find that the underlying relationship was unsound or something else was wrong. I saw an example of this recently where a long-time friend and his wife made a long-distance move back to their home state and bought a house. She was the one that wanted this change, and then after they were relocated for a few months, she turned around and said she wanted out of their marriage of 10 years. So now they’re stuck with a new house in a crappy market. Ouch!

So now I should have more leeway to keep up with the regular expenses and accelerate paydown of my revolving debt. It’s going to take quite some time but I should be able to do it – assuming there’s no big change in the income department…

Otherwise, the alcohol consumption has been going about the same since last post. Still having about two beers on average, so I’m still taking in a lot less than before. I generally sleep better and have more energy, unless the dogs wake me up every hour like they do sometimes! Though there was one night last week where I came home with a pretty strong thirst and had the better part of a magnum I guess. Things got pretty fuzzy around the 10 PM dinner hour and then I was jazzed up and drinking till about midnight. Felt like crap the next day but cleared out from stress on the other hand. Maybe electroshock therapy works like this? So I didn’t regret that one major bout in the last fortnight. Just can’t imagine drinking like that every night. Ick.

Next step is to start skipping one night a week, and then tapering off further…

The weight has held steady, which is good. I was hoping to work on eating better and getting more exercise. Work’s been very stressful, so I have to start figuring out a way to work more physical activity of any kind into my daily routine, for starters. We do generally eat pretty well and typically grill a lean meat with some vegetables. I tend to have too much of the usual carbs we have with that, so that’s a key thing to work on. But at least I’m not taking in so many calories from boissons while doing so…

I came across a web site recently called Access to Insight that has much of the Buddhist Pali Canon on-line, along with some background and guidance on the texts. Here’s a great section on moderation in eating that should help me work with this:

Aparihani Sutta: No Falling Away

And how does a monk know moderation in eating? There is the case where a monk, considering it appropriately, takes his food not playfully, nor for intoxication, nor for putting on bulk, nor for beautification, but simply for the survival & continuance of this body, for ending its afflictions, for the support of the holy life, thinking, ‘I will destroy old feelings [of hunger] & not create new feelings [from overeating]. Thus I will maintain myself, be blameless, & live in comfort.’ This is how a monk knows moderation in eating.

Certainly food for thought for many other aspects of living.

#1: 20 July 2010

Its the 41^st anniversary of the great leap for human-kind with that first walk on the moon. Or was it really a big step forward that was taken right back! Hard to believe that was in the first decade of my life. Not much has surpassed that event for me on the world stage – except for 11 September, je suppose. Though to me, the bigger space-race event was when the Apollo 8 crew left the Earths’ gravitational pull for the first time and circled the moon. (OK they didn’t really leave the Earth’s gravitational influence but crossed the line where Luna’s pull was stronger). There’s something about this date that triggers strong associates and significant happenings for me. It certainly set me off exactly 10 years ago on a weird trajectory that I’m still following and is still a bit of a mystery. I think I’ve been pulled more by Luna than Earth ever since.

Anyhow, this is a few days past the first paycheck of my own and a number of thing have happened already.

I got my first paycheck deposited entirely to my account for one thing! I don’t get a paper check any more of course, but went on line that day to marvel at it! But I did increase my 401K contribution somewhat so I can start to pay back some of that I’ve had to borrow of late. Including a large sum to pay for my share of the first semester’s bill and some of the start-up costs. That all went right out my former spouse. It’s a pretty large bill for a school that is often a back-up for the well heeled in the Northeast. But I think it will be a good choice for my son and I’m happy to do anything I can for him. And I certainly got good deals on my other two son’s schools!

So finances are a major part of what I need to take care of to get in shape generally in my life. I’ve put myself in a pretty big hole that I’m slowly climbing out of. It’s a hole dug bit by bit over quite a few years and will certainly take some time to fill back in. But there’s not so much I really need now for myself, and don’t mind putting anything down I can to get rid of those leeches on me, one by one. One thing I’m doing is keeping a spreadsheet of all of the monthly payments I have to make so I don’t forget anything, and can plan ahead – one paycheck at least. A second worksheet tracks all of the major balances – and I can total those up and see a slow but steady decline in the debt column.

I can make excuses for these debts and point to this or that. But a pretty good part of that is due to a pretty major alcohol dependence that has grown over the past few years. A few glasses of wine from time to time has become a regular event and pretty much as must-have. I can go without it but generally don’t. And we always make sure to buy a few extra on a Saturday or before a holiday to make sure there’s no interruption over the quaint “package-store” Blue Laws still in effect here.

I’ve tried this before, but with the new month, I decided to have a beer or two in the evening most nights instead. I had some IPA I bought for a party on the weekend of the 4^th. That’s fairly strong – about half the alcohol content of the daily vin de table. One bottle is equivalent to the large glass of wine I usually have. But it seems I can have one or two bottles and be quite satisfied. Most nights, a wine glass leads to two and then it’s pretty fuzzy after that. Probably 3-4 most nights, unless it gets into the total fog of war.

This strategy seems to be helping. If there are things I have to take care of or I’m driving – having one beer at the end of the day is just right. Many nights, a beer with dinner and one afterwords seems very satisfying – and that’s certainly quite a bit few EtOH units. Another good thing about beer – I can’t just pour out a little more and take it to bed. If I’ve had two to drink I just don’t feel like starting a third. So this seems like it will really help.

Which will really help out in the checkbook department. For a couple of months, I’ve been making a point to take out the recycling for curbside pickup on a weekly basis. We tend to run about 10-12 magnums per week, which adds up to some considerable coin. I’m pretty sure I account for less than half of those but certainly quite a few. Now we seem to be down to close to one a day. The beer’s not cheap but we’re probably looking at $30-40 less per month, so far.

Which should help with the weight issue as well. That has creeped up to the 220 range for a few years now. It drops back down for a while from time to time when I make an effort to be more active, but not that much and usually not for long. This summer’s been wicked hot, and after doing a lot of gardening and other yardwork earlier this summer, the scale shows 210-212 and I can see a noticeable decrease in the midreff. That weight has held for a couple of solid weeks now but is certainly not where I want to be at this age.

So the focus for this fortnight or so is to look at eating and exercise. A key thing is to hold down the alcohol consumption. But I also need to watch snacking and carb intake. And I do take in a lot of carbs. And I need to make sure I get in an hour of exercise per day of some sort or another. I walk the dogs almost every day which helps, but also need to stay on that elliptical and keep up yoga on a regular basis. But today I felt fine waking up at 4:30 when the dog got out of bed. So I was able to meditate for 20 minutes after I took her out and then do some moderate but focused asanas for a good 20 minutes! Now to take the dogs out for another 30 – then I can have that 1 or 2 beers this fine July evening.

Oh, and apparently the moon landing hoax lives on. Even though the landing site has been photographed: LRO Gets Additional View of Apollo 11 Landing Site

Ch-ch-ch-changements

So I turned 50 earlier this year. It really didn’t hit me as a big milestone or anything. Just another work-day with its usual set of obligations and diversions. But then my youngest son turned 18 this June and graduated from High School. Now that’s a major “passage”, or two, and has certainly prompted a whole lot of internal musing on where I’ve been and what might be coming up down the road!

My youngest son has been living with me “part”-time. A rather small part of late. So it’s not an empty-nest situation, really. Had that a few years ago in a way. But it is a major transition not to have a legal “child” anymore. In fact, this milestone ends child support payments, so it’s also a major financial event. I’ll make the same payment essentially to an institute of higher learning instead, so I’m none the richer, but I’m happy to support him more directly over the next few years. The timing is interesting too – I was married the first time at 25 and am ending the financial tie of the divorce decree 25 years later at 50, so there’s an odd symmetry there. Does this mean I’ll have 25 more years on my own?

I wonder how many blogs get started by 50 year-olds and then abandoned a month or two later. I did try my hand at this at the age of 40 or so in what was more of a “real” mid-life crisis! I setup a Slashdot-type site for a while back then, about outdoor recreation and conservation in New England. That was fun but it was hard to sustain a site that consisted of writings to myself. I guess I’ll keep this one around for a while until I run out of things to say — and then just wipe it out.

Back to finances: I guess I’ll have 4 years of payments to a university and then I’ll have some of my income I can save or do other things with. Assuming I’m still living, and working at the same place, the two paychecks I get per month will total 48 paychecks over that time. Somehow, that also seems like a fitting interval to write about the things I’m thinking about, the things I’m working on – and all those other things that happen when life is busy making plans. So I’ll try and post something about every two weeks and see what happens!

There are roads which must not be followed,
armies which must be not attacked, towns which must
not be besieged, positions which must not be contested,
commands of the sovereign which must not be obeyed.

The Art of War
by Sun Tzu